


The honeymoon is over

by PerplexinglyParadoxialPerson



Series: The making of a (post Age of Ultron) Avengers family [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Avengers Family, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Fluff, Hurt Bucky Barnes, Hurt Steve Rogers, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Making Up, Protective Bucky Barnes, Self-Sacrificing Steve Rogers, Steve Rogers Needs a Hug, Suicidal Thoughts, argument
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-12-07 18:23:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20980346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PerplexinglyParadoxialPerson/pseuds/PerplexinglyParadoxialPerson
Summary: Steve and Bucky see each other for the second time since the Helicarriers. Unfortunately an argument breaks out.





	The honeymoon is over

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: lots of swearing, because Bucky is really angry, Steve accidentally triggering Bucky because of said argument, talk of suicide, and semi-graphic descriptions of violence. Violence not more than shown in the movies, but I wanted to warn all the same.

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 1 Peter 4:8 NIV

Tony was fiddling with the armour, trying to make it more durable against plasma guns, like the Ultron sentries had. Friday piped up, “Sir, Captain Rogers is requesting access, access granted?”

“Sure Fri” he said tossing the pencil in his hand to the side, and spinning in his chair to face the door. As it opened he said, “hey capcicle, did you get lost?”

Rogers seemed to gape a bit at the organized chaos of his workshop, but began speaking anyway. “No I didn’t get lost, I actually wanted to talk with you about something.”

“Let me guess” Tony drawled “it’s about your murder bot.”

“He’s not a murder bot Tony.” He said sharply, but stopped, “I do want to talk about him though. I... I don’t know why you distrust him so much, but I want you to understand that he didn’t have a choice. I have some information that you should look over if you want to understand. I won’t show them to you unless I have his permission, but I figured I’d tell you anyway. I know it seems that way, but I don’t believe he’s innocent only because he’s my best friend and I know that he wouldn’t do it if he had a choice. People do change, but i’ve seen so many reports and recordings of what they did to him, that I know that he never had a choice at all. If he gives permission would you at least consider looking the information over? I think that you could become good friends if you got along better.”

“Fine” he said a bit shocked at the earnest look in his eyes. “I’ll consider looking it over if he gives permission, yada yada yada. Now shoo, I have work to do!”

“Thank you Tony” Rogers said, looking genuinely grateful. “I’ll leave you to it.” Then walked out of the workshop, leaving Tony to think.

Rogers really seemed to think that they could be good friends? He must be delusional if he thought that Barnes wasn’t dangerous. His decision to keep Pepper as far away from the tower as possible, as often as possible was looking better and better. Friday might be learning the security routines quickly, but he definitely didn’t trust her against Barnes with Peppers safety at risk.

+-+

The next time Barnes got into the tower, it was the next day, and Tony had just gone downstairs to get a snack before dinner. Almost everyone was in the common room, Thor, Natasha, Wanda, and Vision were playing what looked like Mario cart, Bruce was on a tablet at the table with a cup of tea, and Rogers was watching the others play in an armchair in the corner. Clint had gone home to his family a couple days ago, and Rhodey had gone on a mission of some sort yesterday.

As he rummaged through the cupboard, the elevator opened, revealing an infuriated assassin, who stalked up to Rogers and began reading him the riot act before Tony could do anything. “What the actual fuck Steve” he hissed “what the actual fuck. I just saw footage from when you jumped from the fucking Triskellion, that’s probably the stupidest thing you’ve done, jumping who knows how many floors onto a heavily reinforced roof! You could have broken all the bones in your body! You could have died!”

“It was the only option” Rogers said sharply, standing up and glaring at him. “and I didn’t die thank you very much!”

“You might not have died you stupid reckless punk, but you probably will soon, given just how reckless you are!”

“He also regularly jumps out of planes without a parachute” Natasha said calmly.

“What!” Barnes snarled “so you’re even more reckless than I thought! Jumping out of airplanes without parachutes, not fighting when faced with the Winter fucking Soldier! And that’s not even counting the shit you pulled after I fell! What happened, I fall and you go ‘all a’ my self preservation skills fell outta the train with Bucky?’”

“It doesn’t matter!” Rogers shouted, “here I am, still alive and those reckless decisions worked, i.e. the world hasn’t been taken over by Hydra!”

“Yeah” Barnes hissed “But what about the Valkyrie huh, even if you couldn’t have gotten the coordinates, you could have grabbed a fucking parachute! Or you could have actually tried to make it out of the plane at all for God’s sake! I’ll bet anything that you didn’t even try! Do you have a fucking death wish Steve!”

“It was the only way!” Rogers shouted, but Barnes shouted back.

“And what about the teams you were working with! What would have happened if their heavy hitter died by being shot in the face by the Winter Soldier! Don’t you think that a lot more people could have died because of your reckless stupidity!”

Rogers paled, but slung back with “well maybe if the person I cared most about in the entire world wasn’t the one almost shooting me in the face, I would have cared more!”

Barnes went pale, mouth open, and tapped his metal finger three times on the marble countertop. Rogers mouth dropped open, going white, and there was a second of dead silence, where they stared at each other. Before anyone could say anything, Barnes bolted to the balcony, which he jumped off of. Rogers stayed still for a moment, looking like he had been slapped in the face, before bolting for the staircase, slamming the door behind him, and jumping down the stairs, judging by the thumping.

Tony’s brain wasn’t working, but his mouth said “well it looks like the honeymoon is over.”

The silence was still thick in the air, with his mind working over the words, ‘do you have a fucking death wish Steve’. Did he? Did Captain America- no, did _Steve_ have a death wish?”

“Do you think that Steve has a death wish Natasha?” Bruce asked “you did say that thing about the parachute.”

“I... I had my suspicions” Natasha said cautiously, “but I couldn’t know for sure, some people are simply more reckless than others, but if Bucky said that it started _after_ he fell from the train... well it’s a lot more likely.”

Tony suddenly remembered something, “oh fuck” he said quietly.

“What” Natasha said.

“I just remembered something important” Tony said, adding quotation marks with his hands “Bucky ‘died’ on February first, and Steve ‘died’ on February fifth, he wasn’t reported missing until a few months later though. That’s only three days in between their ‘deaths.’”

There was a silence and Thor said “do you truly think that Steve chose to die in the plane?”

“It’s highly likely” Natasha said “we can’t know for sure unless we ask him though.”

Bruce said “no wonder Bucky was so determined to take care of him last time if he suspected Steve of having a death wish. We can’t treat him like glass though, we have to treat him the same as we always have, ok?”

Everyone agreed, knowing that if anyone would know about how to react to this revelation it would be Bruce. Tony went to his workshop to work through all the thoughts in his head.

+-+

Natasha was annoyed, she had hoped that she was wrong. She had brought the parachute thing up, hoping that Barnes would say something about it being something that Steve always did, but it looked like her theory was right.

Bruce had decided that a full Avengers dinner would help, and had recruited her and Thor to help. At the moment there were two large pots of soup simmering on the stove, a batch of buns in the oven, and a large bowl of bun dough, to become more buns.

She asked Friday to alert everyone that dinner was almost ready, and Friday replied. “Sir, Ms. Maximoff, and Vision should be coming to the kitchen soon, but Captain Rogers said that he would rather not join you tonight.”

“Thanks Friday,” she said and walked to the elevator. She was determined that Steve would eat dinner with them tonight, it definitely wouldn’t help him to be moping by himself all night.

She knocked on his door, saying “Steve can I come in?” There was no answer, so she knocked louder and said “if you don’t say anything I’ll assume that I can come in.” There was still no answer, so she opened the door and walked into the bedroom, where she heard some shuffling around.

Steve was completely covered in blankets, but pulled out when she sat on the edge of the bed. He had been crying, his face blotchily red and swollen, but pale underneath. “Go away Nat” he said thickly.

“No can do” she said “why aren’t you coming for supper?”

He glared at her and said, “isn’t it obvious? Not only do I look like hell warmed over, but I also had a very loud and dramatic argument with everyone watching, do you really think that Tony won’t take it and run with it?”

“I will make sure that he won’t” she said seriously, “I promise.”

“Really?” He said cautiously.

“Of course” she replied. “Now why don’t you change into something more comfortable, we’re having comfort food tonight, soup and homemade buns.”

“Really?” He said.

“Yeah” she replied. “You better not be late though, because I won’t stop everyone else from eating it all before you get there.” Then walked out of the apartment.

+-+

As the soup pots were placed on the table, the elevator opened and Steve walked into the room. She was pleased to see that he had followed her instructions and worn an over large hoodie and some sweats. He had also washed his face, and looked a little less blotchy, but he was curled in on himself, making him look smaller, and still looked pretty miserable.

There was a sudden silence, but she cleared her throat and everyone went back to their conversations. Steve sat next to Wanda as the soup was being served.

For the most part, nobody really talked to Steve much, but Wanda leaned in and whispered “he still loves you. It was so strong that I couldn’t help but feel it, even after you said that.”

He blinked at her, but smiled faintly and continued to eat. He wasn’t picking at his food, he was eating at a decent pace, but considering his normal pace of eating as fast as possible without spitting food everywhere, he was eating pretty slowly. Everyone took their time eating, engaged in conversations, and occasionally asking Steve’s opinion on something. He didn’t talk much, but he ate almost his normal amount of food, so she counted it as a win.

+-+

Bucky was walking through the city, clearing his head and centring himself. The flashbacks had been nasty, and even hours later he was shaky and had to keep reminding himself that he hadn’t even touched Steve today, and there was no way he was hurt. The walking had helped him settle a bit, but he made sure to avoid Brooklyn. The first time he had gone there after the Helicarrier had made his head spin with the sheer amount of memories hidden in its streets.

Once he made it up the creaky stairs of the building he lived in, he felt that something was off, so he grabbed two of the knives in his jacket. He opened the door suddenly to catch anyone there off guard, but nothing happened, no gunshots, no sudden scramble for an exit. He checked everything. The only thing out of place was signs of the window having been opened, and a hand written note on the rickety table.

It read “Come back as soon as possible, S won’t stop looking miserable and throwing his puppy dog eyes everywhere, making it impossible to get anything done. If you don’t give him a chance to apologize I will hunt you down and drag you kicking and screaming to him. I would like to be able to actually talk to him about the topic of your argument without him getting all weepy.” It was signed with a small doodle of a spider.

Bucky was a little shocked, but he knew that the Black Widow wouldn’t joke about dragging him to Steve. That was the power of Steve, he thought as he began the walk to the tower, he could get even the Black Widow herself threatening people on his behalf with his genuineness and care for people.

+-+

When Bucky made it past security he went to Steve’s floor, but he hesitated at the door. What if Steve actually didn’t want him there, maybe what he had said had hurt him that much. He reminded himself that Natasha was one of, if not the best covert operative in the world right now, she wouldn’t have said what she did if she wasn’t sure. If she was lying though, and had lured him here for something else, then well, he probably deserved it.

He gathered his courage and knocked on the door. There was a groan from inside, and Steve said “go away Natasha.”

He froze and said the first thing that came to mind, “I’m not Natasha.”

There was a silence, and Steve quietly said, “come in, I’m in the bedroom.”

He opened the door cautiously, and made his way to the bedroom, where the door was open. He peeked in and saw Steve sitting on the edge of the bed, his face was a bit blotchy and red, and he looked worn out. He had clearly been crying, that and the rumpled hoodie and sweats he wore almost made him feel better about his own bedraggled appearance.

“I’m so sorry” Steve said thickly, “I’m so so sorry, I wish I could go back in time and not say it or anything like it ever again.”

“Well you’re still dramatic as ever” Bucky croaked “But... you want me here right? I said some pretty nasty things to you, and with what you said...”

“Of course I want you here” Steve said fervently. “I’m sorry I ever made you think that I wouldn’t want you here. What can I do to make up for it?”

“I’m sorry too” Bucky said quietly. “I do forgive you though.”

“I forgive you too” Steve said, smiling softly.

“Can I hug you?” Bucky asked quietly. “I don’t think I can let you hug me at the moment, but I want to hug you.”

“Of course” Steve said “I can’t think of a time I wouldn’t want a hug from you.”

So he sat on Steve’s lap and hugged him tightly, face to the side of his neck, breathing in his scent. For the first few seconds his heart rate ticked upwards, ready to fight if this went wrong, but the way Steve relaxed in his arms, how he didn’t even try to get his arms around him, and the joy clear in his scent kept the panic down. Steve’s head dropped to the side, and he buried his face in Bucky’s neck. They stayed there for a while, drinking in the feeling of skin on skin, and the scent of each other.

After too short a time, Bucky’s stomach snarled, and he reluctantly pulled away from Steve. “Sorry” he said “I didn’t really have much of a supper.”

“You must be starving!” Steve said. “If you’re metabolism is even half as bad as mine... I’ll make some pasta for us, I’ll probably be hungry again soon anyway so I might as well make something.”

Bucky recognized the stubborn gleam in Steve’s eye, and knew that there was no way to convince Steve otherwise, so he said, “sure, but let me help at least.” Steve wrinkled his nose, but agreed.

+-+

Once the food was eaten and the dishes washed, they went to the bedroom and curled up together, Bucky spooned himself around Steve, and began to talk. “Stevie, we’re going to need to talk about your recklessness.”

Steve tensed, but Bucky continued. “We don’t have to talk about it now, but... we’re definitely going to have to talk about it soon. I...” he said, his voice cracking. “I can’t loose you sweetheart, I can’t.”

“Oh” Steve said quietly. “I... I never tried to kill myself, I promise I didn’t.”

There was a silence, and tears came to Bucky’s eyes as he said “that doesn’t mean you didn’t have a death wish doll.”

Steve made a small hiccuping noise, and said a bit desperately “I... I didn’t try to kill myself.” There was a silence, but he continued, “I... I knew you would be disappointed in me if I saw you again because of that.”

Bucky sighed and squeezed him tighter, tears starting to roll down his cheeks. “So you were reckless instead, didn’t care none if you died.”

“I just wanted to see you again,” Steve said, tears rolling down his cheeks. “The only person who knew Steve Rogers instead of Captain America was Peggy, and... and she... she didn’t remember! Half the time she’d forget you died at all, and I’d have to tell her all over again!” He burst into sobs, gasping for air.

Bucky rubbed his back, talking softly to him. “It’s all right baby, I’m here. Just let it all out sweetheart, I’ve got you.” Eventually Steve ran out of tears, and hiccuped to a stop. “I’ll get you a glass of water” Bucky said, starting to get up.

“No!” Steve said sharply, grabbing his shirt. “Don’t leave!”

“Why don’t you come with me” he said softly “would that help?”

“Yeah” Steve said quietly. So he loosened Steve’s grip on his shirt, pulled Steve up, and they shuffled to the kitchen together, Steve tucked into his side.

Once they were in bed again, spooning like before, Bucky spoke again. “Have you talked to anyone other than me about this?”

“Like you’ve talked to anyone about what you went through” Steve said sarcastically, quickly followed by a sorry. “It’s alright doll” he said quietly “but judging by your answer you haven’t yet.”

“No” he said firmly, “but if you insist on it, then you have to too, you’ve been through so much more than me.”

“I disagree” Bucky said, “but I have a feeling that this is one of the things that you won’t budge on.”

“Not a chance” Steve said firmly “but I wanted to ask... why was what I said so bad? I mean, I knew it would be bad, I just didn’t think it would be bad enough that you would need to use our signals. I... I don’t want that to happen ever again.”

“It just...” Bucky said “you said it, and I was there again, hurting you. That was my most vivid memory for so long... I wasn’t wiped after that one so... so it was always so clear, I had a lot of nightmares about it.”

He gently slid his hand under Steve’s hoodie and began to move it to the healed wounds he remembered so well. First the bullet he put in Steve’s gut, then the bullet that grazed Steve’s side, the bullet that went into his left shoulder, and the knife wound in his right. Then he traced his right thigh above the sweats, where a bullet had gone as well. His face was uninjured, not a trace of a scar, all of the spots that had been injured were smooth as the rest of his skin, impossible to tell where he had been wounded, unless you knew where they had been firsthand.

Steve was silent for a while, but spoke “you didn’t kill me. You barely even tried on the Helicarrier.”

Bucky protested, but Steve interrupted. “Apparently you’re the best sniper in the world, and you somehow managed to completely miss any vital areas at point blank range.”

“Gut shots are often fatal” Bucky said sarcastically.

“Maybe for unenhanced people” Steve said firmly “your a super soldier yourself, you knew it wouldn’t kill me by itself. You had a straight shot to my heart, or my brain, through my eyes, and you shot me in the gut, easily survivable as long as I got medical attention reasonably fast. At the end you were close enough to do anything to me, your a super soldier, you could have snapped my neck with your bare hands, or crushed my skull. All you did was keep punching me at less than half strength. You weren’t going to kill me.”

“Thanks baby” Bucky said quietly, shocked by the absolute trust in his voice and needing to think about everything that they had said. “You better get to sleep now, your clearly exhausted.”

“Stay the night” Steve said, yawning.

“Of course baby” he said as Steve drifted off, leaving Bucky to watch over Steve until morning.

**Author's Note:**

> I really love whumping Steve, but I will start focusing on Bucky as well soon. 
> 
> Note: I have no experience with PTSD, being suicidal, or anything else, outside of reading about it, so if I get anything very wrong please let me know!
> 
> As usual if you have questions, constructive criticism, ideas, or tags I forgot, please comment!
> 
> Thank you for reading!


End file.
